Do you ever wonder why you continue to attract the same types of partners? Or, is the same problem showing up in all your intimate relationships? So many people claim they are “bad at relationships” but the question they need to ask themselves is, what attempts are they making to tend to them? It’s fair to say I am bad at long distance running because I have never brought awareness to why I keep getting injured at the six-mile stage to change some of the bad habits I have picked up over the years. The same is also true for intimate relationships, until you develop a loving relationship with yourself and pay attention to what is going on beyond the superficial, you will unfortunately continue to repeat these same patterns. Ask yourself, where your “injuries” show up in your intimate relationships and be honest with yourself. To engage in a healthy intimate relationship you must develop self-awareness and a range of skills to prepare you for love and the maintenance of it. The idea that love is an action can be quite startling for some, because it is in stark contrast to the social expectation we have picked up about dating, romance, intimate relationships and marriage our whole lives.
For many years I was the person complaining about my inability to attract a healthy intimate relationship but doing nothing to tend to what was actually going on. It was too painful to look inwards at my own behaviours and much easier to highlight all that was wrong with the guys I was meeting. After a particularly bad break up I decided to reach out and seek support but I discovered it was impossible to find the kind of tailored service I was looking for. Back then there was no such thing as Relationship Coaching. Once I had done all the necessary personal work to heal and attract only healthy intimate love I decided to set up my own relationship coaching practice. I didn’t want others to go through what I did. When I think back to those years, although they were so transformative they were lonely, especially when all around me were people who appeared to “have it all”. At that time, I identified those markers to be; a man, career, baby. For me now, “having it all” thankfully means something entirely different and much more in line with who I am rather than fitting a societal “norm”. Understand yourself, honour your needs and take care of your emotional self rather than waiting for prince or princess charming to come along and take care of all your woes. It’s a much surer bet.
It is important to mention that domestic abuse differs from a “bad, unhealthy or disconnected relationship”. In a healthy relationship or even one going badly or ending – neither individual fears the other or is controlled by the other. Domestic abuse doesn’t always have to mean physical violence but it can be part of the abuse. Contact Women's Aid if you feel unsafe or confused in your relationship. 1800 341 900 National Freephone Helpline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.