Many of us are searching on the outside for something found only inside ourselves. We believe we have to work hard to attract or maintain a relationship because they will bring us the joy we so desperately seek. The truth is, all we need is found within us. We have to become the person we want to be in order to be in the relationship we have always dreamt. This new year take your inner work more seriously and watch as your outer world begins to take care of itself.
Follow these five steps if you want to attract a healthy intimate relationship in 2019.
1. Discover Your Dating Patterns
Who have you been choosing? The guy/gal who a) does not want to commit, b) comes with a rucksack full of issues c) is already in a relationship with someone or is only getting over an ex or d) is only interested in themselves. If you want to create a healthy intimate relationship but continue to attract any one of the above types (although not an exhaustive list), I’m afraid you are on a road to disappointment. Instead, try and discover the reasons why you continue to repeat these dating patterns. Realise you own the power to choose differently and believe you can attract the kind of relationship you desire.
2. Clean Up Your Dating Past
Are you holding onto a relationship that finished years ago? Why? Do you believe you two were meant to be and are struggling to let go of that idea? Have you not gotten the closure you need? Do you believe you are not good at being alone and have not found someone new? Or, are you still bitter towards your ex and spend time plotting your revenge? Heal from your past and take the necessary steps to deal with the loss of your ex rather than allowing it to sabotage your dating life. Most clients who worked with me to heal from heartbreak have done so without ever having to contact their ex.
3. Change Your Dating Mindset
Do you experience black-and-white thinking when dating? This kind of thinking is a way of categorising people into tidy little boxes and simplifying your world. One example could be “all men are untrustworthy”. The problem with this kind of thinking is, although it may simplify your world, it is mostly untrue. A more balanced way of thinking is “people are either trustworthy or untrustworthy”. Catch your thoughts regarding dating and develop more balance. Do not allow faulty thinking to distort your dating reality. If you discover that you are continually attracting untrustworthy partners, consider why and learn new ways to create relationships with trustworthy people.
4. Get Ready for Healthy Love
Do you have any idea what you want or need when dating or in a relationship? Spend time thinking about these things. How a person looks can seem important when you first meet someone but will not stand the test of time. Instead of focussing on how you guys will look like together, spend time getting to know the character of the person you are dating. To get ready for healthy love you must set your dating standards, get to know the red flags of unhealthy relationships, build dating skills to attract suitable partners and be willing to let go of people who are not a match for you.
5. Get Busy Taking Care of You
Do you spend a significant amount of time talking about your love life or the lack of one? Spending some time discussing your dating life is fine but if this is the only thing you focus your time on, your world can become very small. What about your passions? What lights you up? How do you intend to create a fulfilling life? What do you bring to the dating table? How are you to be around? The people we all want to date are generally energising, fun, positive, engaging and are interested in what is going on in the world. If you find it difficult to take care of yourself or to put the best of yourself forward when dating, consider what you need to ensure you can.
If you feel you need support on any of the five steps identified above, see www.therelationshipcoach.ie for further information.