Is Singledom Causing My Loneliness?
Reframe the belief that your single status is responsible for all your feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is a normal human emotion people feel whether they are coupled or single. However, it is true there are times when you may feel particularly lonely (e.g. loss of a loved one, when your friend meets a partner, holiday times, long weekends). These losses need to be acknowledged and validated by you. Instead of telling yourself a story regarding how much better off couples have it right now, it might be more helpful to remember not every couple has the ability to create a deeply satisfying connected relationship. To follow are some suggestions to consider if you are feeling particularly alone right now;
1. Review quality of connection
As humans, we are wired to connect with other but the quality of this connection is important. During a difficult time you will have to become much more creative regarding how you can substitute this very human need. Some examples include identifying people who you can be vulnerable with and try to stay closely connected with them in person if possible but if not, perhaps it might have to be regular voicenotes, messages, phonecalls etc.
2. Top up on self-compassion
You may also need to top up on self-compassion. As a singles and couples coach, if I could offer you any personal tip it would be to swot up on your own ability to connect. Focus on what you can control and create the most intimate, compassionate relationship you can possibly imagine with yourself. Fill yourself up on self-love. Some leading researchers in this area are Brené Brown and Barbara Fredrickson. Use this time to create a healthy relationship with self and if you have the money to invest in working with a relationship coach, seek out this support to discover the relationship skills you could benefit from enhancing at this time.
3. Feel your loneliness
Tune into the location of loneliness in your body. Notice the shape or appearance it takes. You can do this by sitting down, closing your eyes, deepening your breath and allowing yourself enough time and space to focus on what it feels like to feel and validate your feelings. Acknowledge its presence and welcome it, feel all of it. Tell yourself how normal and human it is to feel this feeling and allow it all the time and space it needs to move through you. Observe how it will move and transform once you acknowledge its presence.
4. Identifying occasions when you feel truly connected to yourself & practice them more regularly
If this question confuses you, here is my personal definition of what feeling connected to myself means to me. It describes a unique feeling of oneness with all of my being. I don’t always feel this way, I may not even feel this for one full hour straight but I will have micro-moments of this experience. Some examples include feeling the comfort of a soft blanket on my skin, taking in scents and sights around me and realising I am apart of this, basking in the feeling of sunshine of my skin (even if I’m indoors), walking slowly in nature taking in all of its beauty (it’s important to mention I’m generally a fast walker), meditating, yoga, writing, listening to music and savouring the meaning of the lyrics and the sounds and eating chocolate but really paying attention to how it tastes.
It is important to mention, if any of the above suggestions feel too overwhelming to practice alone, seek the support of a professional. None of these ideas are meant to be a substitute for personal therapy.