‘Joanna (42) asks is she asking too much to want more from her relationship?’

Dear Annie, I’m 42 and worried about my future with a man I’ve been with for over two years now. We met before the pandemic, things progressed pretty quickly and before I knew it we were moving in together. Things are good between us, we get on great, we hardly disagree on anything but the one problem we have is that I want to have a child but he doesn’t. Now I have to decide if the relationship is good enough for me to let go of my dream of becoming a mother.I have always wanted to have a family but I have never been in a relationship long enough. All of my previous partners treated me very poorly and I think maybe its part of the reason I am struggling with my decision. If we break up, will I meet someone as good or will I be alone and will I even be able to have a child at my age? Am I asking for too much?

You are most certainly not asking for ‘too much’. ‘Too much’ in this case is to go after a life you say you have always wanted with a partner who wants the same. I understand there may be many reasons you are asking this question given the consequences that may come from going after the life you say you want. However, something I am curious to know is the price you will have to pay if you stay exactly as you are.

Although you tell me things are good between the two of you, I wonder how much better they could be. A relationship devoid of disagreements can sometimes signal a partnership where one or both people are not revealing all of themselves. Disagreeing is a very normal and necessary part of healthy relating - it is one way we can differentiate our values and needs from another. If you are avoiding fighting by leaving every need, want, contrary opinion or bad feeling unexpressed, this is an area of concern I would certainly advise you address. I also get a sense from your query there appears to be more accommodating happening on your behalf, rather than the two of you coming together and realising this is a relationship problem rather than a ‘you problem’. It seems as if your partner has complete clarity on where he is coming from and yet you are the one who may have to compromise. Has your partner shared his reasons for not wanting to create a family together and has he shown empathy and understanding for your needs and differences? The big question you have to ask yourself is this, will you be able to live a future with this person without feeling resentment if you stay and compromise your dreams of becoming a mother.

Questioning the future of your relationship now you realise your partner doesn’t share the same life vision as you is a really healthy place to arrive at. Unfortunately, like a lot of my clients unless we have done the work of knowing ourselves and our unique relationship needs and vision before we partner, we can discover how misaligned we are, years in. Unless we prepare ourselves for love, a lot of us can continue to sleepwalk in and out of relationship, never having our needs met. I did this for years too but I woke up when I realised that I wasn’t honouring the stirrings of my heart and this was making me miserable in and out of relationships. Getting in touch with who it is you truly are is the gateway to making choices that are aligned with the parts of your being that always know the way. Right now, the important thing for you to do is get really in touch with those parts of you that have a dream about how you would like life to be and allow that to become your north star. Consider speaking with a professional to tease out how this dream or relationship vision could start to become a reality for you given where you are today. We must stop believing you have to ask for permission to follow your heart or your dreams. I believe this is part of the reason we are all put here on this planet, to fulfil our heart’s yearnings and not fall prey to blindly following the path of the masses. Sometimes the ‘backdrop’ for what normal should look like can influence some of our greatest decisions. Don’t allow yourself to make the decision you have to make on what other people have to say about YOUR relationship or YOUR fertility (unless it’s a professional and even then seek more than one opinion), go inwards and seek the deeper wisdom that only you have access to.

You are where you are today, we can’t turn back the clock but you certainly have the chance to change the reality of your relationship narrative up to this point. It’s interesting you reference your single past as one that was less than desirable. I’m curious to know the impact it still has on the decisions you’re making in love today. When I first work with a client I always take their dating/relationship history, it’s a great way to showcase how their past may be alive in their present. In this case, it sounds like the experiences you had when single might be impacting your expectations of what being single again may feel like.  Don’t forget in the last two years in intimate partnership, you have probably learned a number of new relationship skills to support your next relationship. The truth is this, single life is just as miserable and boring as any relationship you are a part of (intimate and non intimate) if your energy is low and you are not in touch with your true self. You have the ability to positively or negatively impact your single or non-single life in many more ways than you may be aware. Why not invest in yourself to learn more about you, how you show up in relationships and how to become more confident in the decisions you have to make. You can start this journey by joining a class, reading a book but invest in you. To make the decision you have to make, takes a lot of empathy, love and understanding of and for yourself, don’t go it alone.