‘Single, female, in my 40s and starting to feel bitter’
Dear Annie, I’m feeling really disillusioned with my life. I’m 40, very successful in my career and valued by all my work colleagues but I’m stuck in my love life. I have been feeling this way for some time now and I don’t know what to do. It’s not like I don’t try, I’m on all the online dating apps, I go to singles events, and on nights out I’m the chatty one and strike up conversations with people ALL the time. I’m also worried that I might turn into a bitter old lady as recently I find myself becoming very sad (sometimes even angry) every time I hear about a friend having met a new partner and things are going well. Why can’t I just be happy for them?
It sounds perfectly normal to me that you might find it difficult to be happy for other people meeting a partner, because you are feeling sadness for the absence of yours. I imagine you might even ask yourself when it is your turn, or you might worry if your friend will still have time for your friendship. These are really common experiences amongst my clients and I too used to find myself in these feeling states until I realised how uncompassionate my way of relating to myself was.
When we judge ourselves for not having ‘ideal’ feelings about any situation, we feel worse. What might be more helpful is to observe the narrative that is accompanying these feelings. The way we think and the stories we spin about a particular situation has a direct relationship with how we feel and in turn behave. For example, when I was deep in my years of struggling with being single, I was very unkind to myself. I would tell myself that there must be something wrong with me when I was struggling to meet aligned partner’s or was finding commitment difficult. Thinking in this way led to feelings of sadness or anxiety and the behaviour that generally followed, for me, was long periods of not dating at all. I was practicing avoidance, I didn’t want to feel these feelings again, so I avoided dating altogether.
In your case, it sounds like your strategy is the opposite. You crank up the outer behaviours but I’m curious to know more about your inner behaviours. What might it be like to find compassion for exactly where you are today? You want something and it’s not happening exactly on your timeline and that upsets you. Can you tend to those feelings as you might a good friend? Instead of judging your friend for feeling sad or angry, I’m sure you would probably tell her it can be difficult to have patience when there is something you so dearly want and see other people creating. You would validate, rather than invalidate her feelings. I imagine it might also be nice to comfort her and tell her she is a beautiful person, worthy of all she wishes for. By virtue of holding these desires, they will be fulfilled but first you must go inwards. It's important to look at all the barriers within that may be preventing you from the love you deserve, we all have them. Ask yourself, what are your unique patterns in dating or love?
It’s interesting how you compare your career to love, as if they are one of the same. The interesting thing is this, if you approach love the way I imagine you approach your career, you will be sure to fail. Trust me, I tried too, it doesn’t work. Love does not work on your clock, it cannot be forced.
Many singles who would prefer they were not, can feel societal pressure and a general lack of understanding from their well-meaning friends who can make all the wrong suggestions. For this reason and many others, it’s common for people to want to justify all the ways they are ‘trying’ to meet someone and I hear this reflected in your question.
The irony however, is that real transformation in your dating life only happens when you journey inwards to explore the blocks that may be in the way of you opening to love instead of solely focussing on external action. Of course, external action is important but in and of itself will not bring the true transformation it sounds like you are seeking in your love life.
I wonder how differently you might feel if you doubled down on love and sent it back inwards towards you instead of outwards in the hope of having it stick? I wonder what changes you might see if you were to meet yourself with more acceptance, appreciation and compassion. It’s normal to feel a sense of ‘why can’t it be me’ when your friend meets someone and you haven’t yet. It doesn’t mean that your chances of meeting someone are any less, in fact your odds may even increase if there are new additions to your social circle.
I would like to see you working on your self-worth, approving and appreciating yourself instead of seeking outward approval. I get a sense from your question, that perhaps you are basing your lovability on how others experience you rather than developing a strong internal compass. When you ground yourself in your worthiness, sure it may still hurt that you have yet to meet ‘your person’ but you get to be ‘your person’, for you. Treat yourself as you might only wish they might and see what starts to occur. Use your desires as a road map, towards yourself. Become the partner you are seeking.