‘My mother was super critical of me. Now I’m doing it to my lover’

Dear Annie, 

I can't help but criticise my partner about so many of the things she does...every single day. I try not to, but I find myself judging her silently and then criticising her attitudes about issues or her actions. It might sound like I don't love her, but I really do. I grew up in a household with a highly critical mother and I promised I wouldn't turn out like that, but I find it's coming up for me in all my relationships. 

In previous relationships, with male and female partners, it has been the same and it makes me nervous about becoming a Mum myself. Friends say that I'm really critical and hard on myself too and it's really getting in the way of feeling joy in my life. What can I do?

Amanda (37)

I hear that you love your partner and are worried about what I and others might think of you for behaving in ways you are not proud of. Instead of judging yourself, I wonder if it would be more helpful to cultivate a practice of curiosity around this part of yourself that you would like to be different. The awareness you are bringing to these patterns is unique - many of us live in ways that are informed from our past, without ever questioning it or bringing awareness to change it. The questions you are asking suggest you care about learning more about how to be more loving and relatable. This is an attitude we could all do with bringing to our relationships.

Am I good enough?

It sounds like you know first-hand the damage that can come from being criticised and judged by another person you care about and it’s not good. Whenever I’m in this position, I feel a shrinking of my being, then comes the shame and finally there is a nagging question, ‘am I good enough?’

Feelings like these do not leave me open to connect because I am withdrawing. Judgement and criticism wedge a space between two people that doesn’t allow space for love. Instead, she is pushed further and further away. The more we poison our relationships with criticism and judgement, the less love we have access to.

The Oxford English dictionary describes criticism as “the act of expressing disapproval of somebody/something and opinions about their faults or bad qualities; a statement showing this disapproval”. This helps to further explain what we are doing when we pick at our partner; we are disapproving of them. 

A question to ask yourself might be: when your partner doesn’t quite do something as well as you might like them to, what is it that compels you to share this with them? When I think of occasions when my tendency to criticise another comes up, it’s usually when I am feeling anxiety and want to control something in my life. For some reason criticism gives me a sense of ownership or control on something. I am externalising my anxiety onto my partner. 

If I am feeling particularly relationally skilful and catch myself in this moment (when I have behaved critically), I could say “I’m sorry darling, I’m having a bad day and I’ve just realised I’m taking it out on you and that’s not fair. What can I do to show you I’m sorry?”

Inward criticism

The problem with criticism is that it generally goes both ways, outwards towards others and inwards on yourself. You say that friends comment on how critical you can be of yourself and you go on to say how that robs you of joy in your life. This makes perfect sense because criticism does this. 

As we said earlier, criticism is a disconnector whereas love is a connector. Do you think it is possible for you to pay attention to your internal dialogue? Is it the kind of chatter that puts you down and constantly picks at you? Or, is it the kind of chatter that lifts you up and is supportive of anything you might try that’s new? No guesses for knowing which of these two voices will either rob you of joy or bring more of it into your life. 

Can you imagine having a boss who constantly tells you how useless you are, or compares you to someone else who can do your job so much better? I bet you wouldn’t stay working in that job for too long.  Yet this is what we do to ourselves when we are critical. There is a choice in how we get to relate to ourselves and others and it takes discipline and practice. 

Parenting influence

You correctly notice the link between your past and your present. We internalise the way we related as children with our parents or caregivers and we relate to others in the same way. In addition, we can go onto parent our inner children in a similar way to the way in which we were parented, Let’s say you were parented with self-criticism, there  is a good chance you will relate to yourself and others in the same way. This is the habit, but the good thing about habits is that you can change them. 

If you want to practice the art of being more loving and less critical, how about you start with you? I wonder what it might be like for you to speak to yourself with more love, care and attention. Consider the voice and words you might have needed as a child but didn’t receive (unfortunately, so many of us don’t). 

Spend time on this and write down short brief statements that you can practice on a daily basis. For example, how about when you’re struggling to fit into a car parking space (that’s me!), say things to yourself like, “we’ll get there my love” or “there’s no rush, we can try several times”. These are examples of self-loving speech. Self-loving actions could be that you treat yourself to what you need when you notice yourself feeling particularly anxious - it might be a nice walk, a date with a friend or 10 minutes of meditation or yoga.

Creating space

It might be interesting to notice if any of these changes with yourself will positively impact interactions with your partner. Is it possible to create enough space in your days and in your relationship to pause and become curious about what you were about to say rather than saying the thing? When you are with your partner, practice taking a deep breath instead of commenting when that urge to criticise comes up. It’s amazing how something as simple as this can eliminate a lot of problems before they occur. Record what you wanted to say (your criticisms) and journal on why this is important to you. 

When you mess up and repeat old behaviours, it's important to repair afterwards by taking responsibility for your part. Some examples of repair statements are “I’m sorry sweetheart I'm behaving critically again” or, if you would like to introduce some humour you might say “It looks like Miss Critical pants is back in the building, I'll have a word with her!” You don’t need to overlook the possibility that some new changes may be called for in your relationship. The journaling should help unearth any legitimate issues that may be calling for your attention. 

Make time for that but don’t do it the old way, over time it erodes love.

If you would like to improve the way you relate to self or others, reach out to me here.

You don’t have to go this journey alone.