‘I don’t know how to grieve or get over the loss of my friend’

Dear Annie,

How can I grieve for my friend who died earlier this year, when I look at his wife and children and see what they are going through? I know I am allowed to grieve him, but I feel like I’m not privy to feel all this pain. I don’t know what to do with my grief or how to start to get over the loss of him in my life.

Michelle.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. I have no idea of your circumstances but one thing I know for sure is, grieving is a challenging experience and it’s made all the more difficult when we judge it. As I read your question, it seems there are many parts to it. The first is, the expectation there might be a ‘right’ way to grieve for a friend. ‘How can I grieve for my friend?’ In answer to this part I say, exactly as your body wants you to.

Can you try to listen to this instead of your head? Can you accept the unexpected streams of tears that come unannounced at the sound of music that stirs up your memories? Can you allow for moments when all you want to do is reach out to them, pick up the phone, re-read old messages or call them just to hear the sound of their voice on their messaging service? Can you give yourself permission to speak to them whenever you’re called to? Can you hear their voice? Can you allow it in? Can you imagine the advice they may give you when you’re in a pickle?

These are some of the callings my body made to me when I was grieving the loss of a loved one. Of course, this does not mean this will have been your experience. We have not been taught how to grieve a loss or death and yet each one of us will have this experience many times in our life, in many different shapes and forms. No two experiences the same, each one unique to your relationship and style of emotional expression. If we can try to view our losses using the lens of this framework, it becomes harder to judge whether we are doing it ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. We are simply doing what our body wants or needs to.

The second part of your question is the comparison of your grief to someone else. Grief isn’t comparable or measurable. All grief is experienced fully however the difference of emotional intensity each of us can feel when we lose a loved one may be impacted by the following; the uniqueness of your relationship, the time you spent together, the intensity of the relationship, and the degree of feeling emotionally complete with the deceased. Loss is the one thing everyone who loved the deceased person shares, we are all united on this.

Writing as someone who has lost a friend to an untimely death, I very much hear your struggle to grieve for a friend and feel validated in your process. It is difficult because on some level it doesn’t always ‘make sense’ that we are overcome by the severity of such pain or emotion. Our mind loves to have things ‘make sense’ and it also loves to keep us from feeling our emotions. Our emotional response to loss isn’t liner, nor is it ever predictable or considerate to your timeline or when you think you should be ‘done’ with the grieving process or on how you ‘do grief’.

You cannot control the uncontrollable. The only thing you can do is double down on all the self-compassion and self-love you can muster up. Let go of the need to judge or compare your grief response to other friends or family members.

Nurture your unique experience with the spirit of the person who has passed, allow the emotional waves to come if they are, write to them, play music that’s nostalgic for you, allow yourself the space to honour the love you and your friend shared. It deserves to be marked. Only you two know the bond you shared. Don’t allow the human part of yourself to discount any part of this spiritual process.

It can be a very lonely time when you are experiencing loss because there isn’t always recognition or normalisation of friendship loss in society. It is seen as ‘normal’ that family would mourn their loss, but less spoken about is friendship grief. Where does that leave people who consider their friends an extension of their family? It is really devastating and we can experience what is called ‘disenfranchised grief’. Which basically means we don’t have community to heal with because our community may de-legitimatise the depths of our pain. And yet it is in community we heal.

People who are very close to the deceased will feel justified in calling one another but if you are part a more extended friendship group, no longer in immediate contact with one another and someone who struggles to reach out for help, it can be very isolating. My advice would be to reach out to a mutual friend who is sharing the loss, someone you know is available and try to connect with them more regularly than you have been. If there isn’t a friend you can connect to, seek out the help of a grief counsellor*.

Kübler-Ross studied the grief cycle and her model identifies a series of emotions experienced: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Wherever you might be on this journey, try surrendering to the emotion and if this proves too difficult reach out for professional help, you do not have to nor should you go this journey alone. You have to find your own way to mourn and celebrate your friend privately and not compete for recognition of your loss.

If you know of a friend mourning the loss of a loved one, provide them with empathy and validation for their loss – whether it be a family member, colleague, or friend. Be very mindful and respectful of their grief because it can be very isolating for them to go it alone and unacknowledged.

*There are many community based, low-cost counselling services available. See some links here .